I love memories, and I will hold these ones so deep.
I will let the air I breathe and the blood that runs in my veins to live on a memory so fond. I will let my eyes be hazy and go to a trance and I will bring these memories to life.
I will dance and allow my feet to walk on sandy beaches that I know not of, I will let my mind to dive in a mood that my heart understands best, I am bringing these memories to life.
And as I dream, I will live and as I live memories will be and as memories be, I will fly and as I fly happiness will be, and as happiness becomes these memories that are so dear will be writing history, and as history is written, change will become and as change becomes these memories will be deep.
And today, as i hold dear to these memories, I will slit open wrists, and blood, deep red blood will flow, and then these memories will be free, I will have freed them. And I will lay down, and the last beats of my heart will be. And I will breathe, my last breaths, they will be soft, for I will tell them so.
But before then, before I slit these wrists open, I will kneel, go down on my knees and I will pray, i will pray to God, the omnipresent, the most immaculate, and I will let him know that these memories, these that am so fond of, are eating me, that my soul is getting so weak, that my body no longer can take it.
I will tell him of these tales, tales he so well knows about, tales he even knew will happen, and I will let him know my plans, plans he vividly knows about.
Then I will take a deep breathe, one more time and I will look for a sharp razor, and I will free these memories, and I know that I will die, for in death a freedom is found, and mine seems to be in it.
Just from the shower, I need one of this, nights like these, when everything is hot including the sheets that i spread today, normally they are cold and I curl in a ball most nights to get some warmth and some sweet dreams, sweet I know cause I hardly remember the good moments but the bad ones, that’s why when I wake up and I don’t remember my dream I assume it was a sweet happy dream.
Today everything is hot, my cheeks are red, my red hair is soft from sweat. I think I have a fever, or something close to it. The house is hot as well, the windows have some sort of steam. My breathe is warm it warms everything even this glass of cold water I am holding. I am burning, burning with a feeling and this feeling seems to be burning everything in my surrounding. I shifted to the couch thinking that it would be cold, but I was wrong the cushions have the same heat, seems me putting them out to dry with the sun had an effect. There is some physics and chemistry happening, this reactions am getting today… Sigh!!
It is a few minutes after one, it is the a.m so the night skies are still dark, no ray of the rising sun, or a moon for this case.
I showered with cold water, but as it rushed down my skin, it was warm, with shades of hot as the water touched my feet. I am developing a fever I tell myself. I walk to the kitchen cabinet and pop a paracetamol tab, that should help, I convince myself… The lies I tell self, but as I take it with the cold water in the glass I am holding, the tab feels hot and I drop it, and the glass follows suite, as if they have been commanded to drop.
The glass makes a shrieking noise… I hate noise more so at such hours when everything is peaceful, apart from my mind…
I walk and turn on the stereo, the noises from within are loud and unfriendly I need something softer, something that can soothe my mind and probably lull me to sleep.
I should probably grab a book, and try read myself to sleep, but then again, the heat, too much… I pace up and down the room, and finally walk out to the balcony, the soft blows of the wind should work some magic…
I take a deep breath, my nosetrills hurt, hurt so much that I feel like am choking, I sneeze, walk back to the room, and here I am writing about this night full of heat…
Honey, did i tell you i’m in love….
Yes let me tell you again, incase i did,
I’m in love,
Not earth, nor a planet as close as jupiter,
I am in love with a feeling,
With a feeling, i doubt you’d undersatand,
They call call it maturity….
Sweetheart, i told you, one day,
That one day i
would fall inlove,
Not with you,
But a better world,
Its not better yet,
But love i feel, i understand,
Maturity they say,
Say it is….
Honey, did i tell you I’m in love,
I’m in love, yes in love,
Sadly not with you,
But with i,
The replica of self,
Sweetheart, i told you, one day,
One day i’d love,
even if not you,
And i am in love,
Yes in love,
Life has its way,
Its way is the best they said..
Honey, love is sweet, so they said,
But this one, is salty,
With traces of lime,
Reminds me of talking taquiler,
A shot you so loved,
Sweetheart, this is not fugarative,
Don’t think much,
I love you as well,
Well enough to know is you,
You i want not…
Honey, i am in love,
I finally did it,
I loved self a bit more,
The way you asked me to,
Cheers to that,
Not with shots though,
Little giggles would do….
When I started my purity journey, the last few times, it was hard, Goodness! It was difficult, but nothing quite prepared me for this. No. The value systems haven’t changed, and the Why, though redefined, remains almost the same. But somehow this time its different. There’s no countdown, it just is. For years, intimacy for me […]
I did it, i fell in love. I thought that I would fly, but I was wrong, I fell, fell so hard that a crack exists the place my heart is. I spread out my wings and tried this new journey of love, I was on a high that only I and him could understand best. He brought out the best of me, said the things no one else could tell me. For a moment i knew he was my perfect match. I was taken from his rib, he was my fantasy turned reality.
The good moments hardly last though, that was before the falling, the shuttering of those fragile bits in me, that place most people call the heart, my heart shattered into a million pieces, but do not worry about me, i will piece it up, in a perfect shape that only i will know its edges. I will overcome it all, the falling and bruising those deep places, that i had left for no one but my self. Do not worry about me, but i will just be fine, I will heal, and those places that i never knew about their existence will just be a memory, you will be a memory.
Let me try and paint this in black and white, explain a feeling i never felt before, a satisfaction that i never new could exist: This time it had nothing to do with the quenching of bodily cravings, it had nothing to do with his perfect set of eyes, or his tiny mouth covered in mustache. It had nothing to do with his perfect height, how i’d fit perfectly under his embrace. It had nothing to do with his tan, or the shade of his skin, which even glowed on cold mornings.
Heart breaks hurt, they hurt too much, more so when the healing is taking place. Its two years now since i last set my eyes on him, the one i knew was my perfect match, and now when i thought i had perfectly pieced all the shattered pieces of my heart together, when i thought that i had made him a memory, is when i realize, i had never in the first place let him go. He still held those pieces of me together, and i hoped deep down, that one day, the happy times we had, him my fantasy reality would come to being again, and that we would have happy afters, like a fairy tale, where I would have been his princess and he my prince.
Two years down, and when i try to use what they call my heart, i feel a deep piercing pain, the same pain I felt two years ago a day in June, when we both agreed that we were toxic for each other, when we both agreed, we were better off as individuals on our own, not an item, a pair what most people would call us. Yet at the same time we were so good for each other. But the good ones, the good moments, and the good people never stay an eternity.
One day i will write about you, and i hoped today would have been the ideal day to write about you, but then when the healing has never taken place, how can i write about you? How can i vividly explain the moments that made our toxicity to each other known, i hope one day, when i find i better version of myself, not an equal version of myself (you) then i will write about us, about the imperfect perfection that you gave so well.
One day, i will write about the fire in me, a fire you so well lit: and I hope that another two years down, you will just be a memory, but not a part of me that so much makes me not dream, or believe that i can fly, fly in love, and not fall in love.
Let’s dance.. lets dance naked, you in your little corner and I in mine. No parts will touch just bodies moving to beats, those of our hearts, and the melodies our mind is trying to synchronize.
I miss you i know you miss me too, you don’t have to say it, but i can feel it, from the intensity of the air between us, you are yearning for me, and i you, this deep craving of a love only you can give, honey come lets dance, lets dance naked.
Lets dance, lets dance naked, you miles away from me, and i so near yet so far, lets dance with a rhythm, the rhythm that comes from past touches, the touches of our hands, and those soft ones from our lips.
I want you, i know you want me too, i can see it, from your eyes, how you look at her, wishing it was i, the less version of her, honey dream with me, join me in this dance, this dance where you and i will be naked.
Lets dance, lets dance naked, you holding my hand, leading this dance, and i moving along to your moves, i promise no parts will touch, just minds that will be at ease, and desires far out of sight.
Sweetheart, this is not a dream, i can smell you, same way you are smelling my scent, the distance no longer exists, free your mind, let it free, lets enjoy this dance, me , you, naked.
Honey come lets dance, lets dance naked, no secrets no lies, just two souls naked and pure, dancing from beats, beats of our heartbeat, lets dance with rhythm, rhythm from our synchronized breaths
It’s supposed to be a good thing, its supposed to bring intimacy and its supposed to bring joy and togetherness, well in theory. but it doesn’t. Does it?
It sprouts seeds of rejection, loss of self esteem, continued jealousy, cheating, lying, lies, avoidance and all those nasty things that the Wicked Witch from the West should have. But it was created by God, was it not? and God looked at all things He created and said “it was Good” Did he not?
Then why does it hurt so much? Why are all songs about either wanting sex or regretting it, or being fooled by it. Why so much attention?
Our culture, our culture praises and even glorifies casual sex, the importance of it, the joys of it, every movie, Right from James Bond, has casual sex in it and makes it cool. but it is not. It is the product…
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Will you love?
love a me who is less a she?
will you dream
dream of a virgins return?
A virgin i cant be?
Come love a she, worth not of your love
a she not worth a virgin,
But a she who loves,
With hearts not just hurt…
Love a she, tears she’s cried,
love she’s met,
A she a home she wanted,
a she loyal she’ll be
Pieces of the sun falling,
Hot it burns my heels,
Drying the place i call home,
As i run, run towards freedom,
Trying to free my tribalistic mind.
Fumes, in different shades and intensity,
Chocking my dreams of a better world,
Blinding my sight, The leaders i support,
Leaders i seldom choose,
Springs sprout from vehicles heavy,
Color my skin, blue and white,
Shower me with blessings disguised,
Itchy skin, my sweat it hides,
Little shades of red as i bleed.
Coal, color used to define my ancestors,
They whom, my flesh comes from,
A mother labored for hours, years maybe,
And birthed a selfish generation.
Guns, stones they all shoot the same,
Different mechanisms though, aim to shoot,
Shoot to kill, This mantra my mind it clogs.
Tears, Screams, i hope this they see,
Let them hide not their eyes from me,
The camera man didn’t take a wrong shot,
This place i call home,
No longer is sweet to me.